Here it goes. The down and dirty, honest truth...
I love my kids. I do. Honestly. I'd give them a kidney today if they needed it, and I only have one kidney. Jump in front of a train - no problem. Take a bullet? Show me where.
That's not the problem. The problem is MY ideas. MY dreams.
I've always said that your kids will meet your expectations. If you set them low, then that's all you'll get. If you set them high - well, the end result will be much better. And I still think that's true, but my perception has changed.
I see my kids and recognize all that they can become. It's one of the benefits of perspective and life experience. It is a benefit that WE have as old people (ancient - barely alive - completely out of touch 40 year olds).
Is the world different? Yes, but we still live in it. We're not clueless. I completely understand the "Mom Goggle" phenomenon and I am telling you - Mom Goggles off - that my kid is capable of just about anything he sets his mind to.
The problem is, what I envisioned my baby becoming isn't who he wants to be.
Huh.
Now what? I'm just supposed to sit idly by and let him UNDER-achieve?
Yeah. That's not happening.
In reality, he's not UNDER-achieving. Really he's not.
I want to share a little something with you:
"We should begin by recognizing the reality that just because something is good is not a sufficient reason for doing it. The number of good things we can do far exceeds the time available to accomplish them. Some things are better than good, and these are the things that should command priority attention in our lives... As we consider various choices, we should remember that it is not enough that something is good. Other choices are better, and still others are best." - Good, Better, Best by Dallin H. Oaks
You see the Good, Better, Best idea is something I believe wholeheartedly.
My son is doing GOOD things. Really, really good things - but what I want for him is Better and Best.
I want it for him because I know, through life experiences, that Better and Best are the things that will bring him the most joy. The greatest lessons in this life can be learned in "Best". Skills and abilities that will bless his life long term. Things that will make his marriage stronger, that will help him in his career, things he can rely on when he becomes a father. This is what I want for him.
My heart wants him to have it all.
His heart doesn't want my version of "all".
See, he's not me. He's not my husband. He is a beautiful blend of the two of us, with a sprinkle of his own personality, just to keep it interesting.
So here's what we do:
We allow him to live his life. To gain his own life perspectives.
That is, coincidently, how we gained ours. We lived our lives. We made crappy choices, fell pretty darn hard and learned we didn't want to do that again. We made good choices, felt the joy that came with them, and quickly learned that we wanted to continue down that path.
It's hard. Life.
We want to shelter and protect. We want to shield them from making the same mistakes we did.
We want to shake them and beg them to learn from our mistakes! But that's not really how this works.
We get to stand here waiting. Waiting for them to learn. Waiting to pick them up when they fall - and let me tell you it is most assuredly a WHEN and not and IF. Because guess what? We all fall.
Maybe that is the best lesson we can teach our "betweeners". We can show them what it looks like to fall, then pull ourselves back up. We can show them that we lean on others for support and advice from time to time. That we're not an independent entity. That we need our village.
We can show them unconditional love so that they know, without a doubt, that no matter how far or how hard they fall, we will always be here to help them pick themselves up.
Finding the strength to let them fall is the hardest thing we will ever do as a parent.
When they were little, they put their hands in ours and crossed the street without even glancing around. They trusted us --> entirely, with their little lives.
Now that they are betweeners, they no longer trust us. They have to figure it out on their own.
I know, I know, it's a right of passage, but does it have to be so darn painful? It feels like they are taking my heart, slamming it on the ground and stomping on it just for fun one second, and then in the next minute, refusing to let go first in an unexpected hug.
The good, the bad, and the ugly of parenting...
Wait. Let's change that.
The good, the better, and the best of parenting.
It's all a matter of perspective. We have to find those "best" moments and hang on to them for dear life, for those are the moments that make this whole parenting thing worth it.
I love my kids. I do. Honestly. I'd give them a kidney today if they needed it, and I only have one kidney. Jump in front of a train - no problem. Take a bullet? Show me where.
That's not the problem. The problem is MY ideas. MY dreams.
I've always said that your kids will meet your expectations. If you set them low, then that's all you'll get. If you set them high - well, the end result will be much better. And I still think that's true, but my perception has changed.
I see my kids and recognize all that they can become. It's one of the benefits of perspective and life experience. It is a benefit that WE have as old people (ancient - barely alive - completely out of touch 40 year olds).
Is the world different? Yes, but we still live in it. We're not clueless. I completely understand the "Mom Goggle" phenomenon and I am telling you - Mom Goggles off - that my kid is capable of just about anything he sets his mind to.
The problem is, what I envisioned my baby becoming isn't who he wants to be.
Huh.
Now what? I'm just supposed to sit idly by and let him UNDER-achieve?
Yeah. That's not happening.
In reality, he's not UNDER-achieving. Really he's not.
I want to share a little something with you:
"We should begin by recognizing the reality that just because something is good is not a sufficient reason for doing it. The number of good things we can do far exceeds the time available to accomplish them. Some things are better than good, and these are the things that should command priority attention in our lives... As we consider various choices, we should remember that it is not enough that something is good. Other choices are better, and still others are best." - Good, Better, Best by Dallin H. Oaks
You see the Good, Better, Best idea is something I believe wholeheartedly.
My son is doing GOOD things. Really, really good things - but what I want for him is Better and Best.
I want it for him because I know, through life experiences, that Better and Best are the things that will bring him the most joy. The greatest lessons in this life can be learned in "Best". Skills and abilities that will bless his life long term. Things that will make his marriage stronger, that will help him in his career, things he can rely on when he becomes a father. This is what I want for him.
My heart wants him to have it all.
His heart doesn't want my version of "all".
See, he's not me. He's not my husband. He is a beautiful blend of the two of us, with a sprinkle of his own personality, just to keep it interesting.
So here's what we do:
We allow him to live his life. To gain his own life perspectives.
That is, coincidently, how we gained ours. We lived our lives. We made crappy choices, fell pretty darn hard and learned we didn't want to do that again. We made good choices, felt the joy that came with them, and quickly learned that we wanted to continue down that path.
It's hard. Life.
We want to shelter and protect. We want to shield them from making the same mistakes we did.
We want to shake them and beg them to learn from our mistakes! But that's not really how this works.
We get to stand here waiting. Waiting for them to learn. Waiting to pick them up when they fall - and let me tell you it is most assuredly a WHEN and not and IF. Because guess what? We all fall.
Maybe that is the best lesson we can teach our "betweeners". We can show them what it looks like to fall, then pull ourselves back up. We can show them that we lean on others for support and advice from time to time. That we're not an independent entity. That we need our village.
We can show them unconditional love so that they know, without a doubt, that no matter how far or how hard they fall, we will always be here to help them pick themselves up.
Finding the strength to let them fall is the hardest thing we will ever do as a parent.
When they were little, they put their hands in ours and crossed the street without even glancing around. They trusted us --> entirely, with their little lives.
Now that they are betweeners, they no longer trust us. They have to figure it out on their own.
I know, I know, it's a right of passage, but does it have to be so darn painful? It feels like they are taking my heart, slamming it on the ground and stomping on it just for fun one second, and then in the next minute, refusing to let go first in an unexpected hug.
The good, the bad, and the ugly of parenting...
Wait. Let's change that.
The good, the better, and the best of parenting.
It's all a matter of perspective. We have to find those "best" moments and hang on to them for dear life, for those are the moments that make this whole parenting thing worth it.